A Hunter’s Prayer

Trinity La Fey writes of finding feminism, of violence, and guns. I am tired of what I know and sad beyond any words I have . . .” – Andrea Dworkin, I Want A Twenty-Four Hour Truce During Which There Is No Rape.

A Hunter’s Prayer

By Trinity La Fey

May I take my place in The Great Family. I offer thanks to your Spirit and accept responsibility for integrating your Story.

It started so long ago I have not strong before concept. I grew up around reckless gun owners and early understood that there was simply no place for them in the world I wanted. Still, lived with single women each with a pistol locked away in a case they never practiced with. One of which, at 23, showed me the jagged, hairless line the bullet had torn around her skull when she’d tried. I remember a lover asking me what I wanted as I cried. How he moved the rifles I was so upset about back into his mother’s house. I just never got used to them; am definitely not used to using them. I didn’t ever understand the want of something so unsportsmanly until I was blessed by Gail Dines through Maya Shlayen through Babyradfem, each a true sister. Then, when the man who tried to get into my car got scared because I made him understand that I was not fucking around, I understood that I wanted something more than my finger to point at him next time. Now there is this gun.

Seriously, so many worse things have happened. Most of them. What was it about this incident that changed everything? Partially, I think it was priming. Education. In isolation, all my rage and sorrow was drowned into silence by the ever wondering. Seeing other women undergo similar abuse en masse made me certain. There was no more confusion about the sadistic self-awareness; no more wondering about how hard it must be for him to be that way; no more patience; no more bullshit. I was in me. And this son of a motherfucker had no rights to me. He could die trying to assert them as I was instantly willing to put the violence where it belongs. Extinction.

To violate is to dishonor, to be irreverent of; at its root: a broken oath.

When I saw my friend violated for the first time, there was a before and an after. It broke me. Me, for whom it started so long ago I have no strong before concept. I saw what it did to her and I missed that part of my friend that was gone now, knowing what was missing for the first time, knowing I had to be strong for and love this new creature in this old skin, knowing that she might not be able to love me as easily or at all, that trust was gone now, nothing personal.
It is unbelievable, what people say about suicide: that it is rage internalized. I bet it was a man who categorized it that way and maybe it’s like that for some of them. What I know of women’s ends are just tired. We have standards. If it doesn’t look like they will ever be met in this life or any, if all the power to resist is stifled with murders and rapes and beatings and beatings and beatings and endless, joyless toil and the shit they think is funny or know they can get away with, it’s no one else’s business when you decide to end it.
Was it internal or external rage that led an uncle to drive recklessly fast in canyon-land pasture shooting at coyotes with his wife and all the grandkids of his parents’ lives at his whim?

I would guess that one tool at the mercy of another, however unsportsmanly, exists like any other, with its own intention and obsolescence built in. Capable of neither rage nor carelessness, it is but a swift finder of ends.

4 thoughts on “A Hunter’s Prayer”

  1. This is a hard issue. Guns are awful, period. However, if others have them do you get one to get on equal footing, or do you maintain your opposition by refusing to get one and either deal with violence in other ways or accept the consequences of not having a gun. Like many problems caused by humans living unnaturally, no good answer here. Personally, I can’t imagine owning a gun, I totally hate them. But I can understand abused people wanting to have one.

  2. Wow. This spoke to me deeply. As an “experiencer” (I do not like the word “victim”) of sexual assault and attempted murder by a rejected ex-boyfriend, I am only now, many years later, coming to an understanding of how damaged I was and my life was by the incident. I blocked it out for many years, pretending it had no effect on my life. But in fact it changed everything…yes I “had standards” .. I still do. A few of my friends are now talking about getting guns in order to protect themselves. But how to help people not be violent? They have a sickness of some kind. It is probably contagious. I do not want a gun, guns are too strong and too random and can hurt unintentionally – but looking back I realize how his act, unpunished, made me tired my whole life. Knowing that at the time, I might have considered slitting his throat.

  3. Her title is disturbing. If she has a gun for self-defense, why does she call herself a “hunter”? Or is she out looking for a man who needs to be killed? Has she flipped over some edge of radical feminism that perceives every man as a potential rapist? Only she can answer these questions.

    Moving on: The police “shoot to kill” philosophy isn’t necessary. I have owned guns all my life without ever pointing one at anyone. But, as they say, “better to have it and not need it that to need it and not have it.” I used to believe in “only shoot to kill,” but have recently reassessed that position.

    My .22 magnum is now loaded with shot shells — i.e., birdshot that is almost incapable of killing a person, unless fired at the face, ear, or throat. And if I had to use it in a situation where having a loaded gun was technically illegal, I could probably get away with it, by arguing in court that a small caliber handgun with birdshot, aimed at the genitals of my attacker, is not a lethal weapon. (Well, he might wish he were dead. But that’s his problem.)

    I think every woman (or man) who has been threatened or feels threatened should own a gun. A legal option is a pellet gun, which fires a .177 or .22 caliber projectile at approximately 400 feet per second. At close range, a pointed steel pellet will definitely require a hospital visit, and could kill, if it penetrated an eye, ear, or carotid artery .

    The Gamo P85 is rated the best pellet gun for self-defense. It’s a small, .177 caliber (BB size) automatic, holds 16 rounds, can fit in a purse or pocket, and doesn’t break any firearms laws, because it isn’t a “firearm.”

    Note: The Gamo P85 costs around $100, and is powered by a CO2 cylinder. Due to possible slow leakage, the cylinder should be changed monthly, or used for target practice and replaced.

  4. I deeply wish that humanity will ‘wake up’ someday soon and realize that we’ve been robbed of our collective humanity and we have the right to reclaim it for ourselves and our community. Unfortunately, there are zero indications that this will happen on a wide enough scale to make any difference at all.

    However, that doesn’t mean we must give up defending ourselves and those whom we love and wish to protect. We owe it to them to do whatever it takes and go down fighting against evil to our very last breath.

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